title: to you
summary: My heart is mine to give and I have gifted it to you.
notes: my take on recent sasusaku events. sasusaku will be the end of me. sakubby’s in italics, and sasuke’s in regular because he is boring.
I will be back for my things in the morning. Please kindly leave a copy of the key with the super; I have left mine on the kitchen counter beside the dish rack.
There are three apples in the refrigerator that will go bad, if left to their own devices. I know you don’t eat them, so if you don’t mind, I’ll take them along with me when I leave.
Your muted self-pity grows tiresome. You may as well have underlined your frustration in bold red ink.
You came to me for a solution to a problem I thought long resolved.
The question of what we are to each other is easily answered. The problem is this:
You fancy yourself in love with a man who, in reality, does not exist. I am no more the lovelorn hero of your own real-life romance than you are the balm to my “wounded” soul.
My soul needs no savior.
I have made my life’s purpose clear from the beginning of our partnership and have been adamant about my need for solitude—I have warned you, multiple times, that my heart is not mine to give and not yours to take.
Do you not see that your pain is self-inflicted? If I were capable of pity, I would feel it now, for you.
Take what you need and go with my thanks, though know that I never asked you to leave. Your service, and dedication to my cause, has been exemplary.
Understand this: I did not willfully deceive you. I have never asked for your love, and while this truth may sting, it needs to be said:
Just as you have no reason to love me, I have no reason to love you.
The apples are yours to do with as you wish.
I have read your letter multiple times in an effort to glean everything said and unsaid.
Despite yourself, I know you took our old mentor’s words to heart: your meaning is always underneath the underneath.
I have loved you without reason. And I know that, despite yourself and your self-imposed mission, you have loved me, too.
Don’t tell me it was mere instinct that made your body move to defend mine, that night at the abandoned warehouse.
(I still have nightmares about your life’s blood slick against my skin.)
Don’t tell me it was camaraderie that kept you at my bedside for several months after I had broken the bones in my leg during the mission you were not a part of.
(I know about the threats you made to the one whose neglect put me there to begin with; I know that he still can’t look you in the eye without flinching.)
Don’t tell me it was duty that made you throttle the man who carved curses into my skin that night, when Naruto made a mistake that indirectly resulted in my capture. Don’t tell me it was your job to break his wrists, to gouge out his eyes, to torture him in increments until he begged for an ending.
Don’t tell me it was ‘gratitude’ that made you take me in your arms afterward—when you whispered your love in my ears, when I felt you move inside me to the rhythm of my beating heart, when before sleeping, you held me close to you, and I felt the solid warmth of you like a wall against the the rest of this cold world.
I have had drops of water, Sasuke—brief moments that show me there is more to you than desert.
Understand this: I left, not because I have stopped loving you, but because you needed me to. I know now that I asked for too much, too quickly.
But, I am not wrong.
My heart is mine to give and I have gifted it to you. There is no meaning in this madness, no logic in my love.
Your words make no mark on me, when I have seen the flecks of grey in your eyes at the moment dusk changes to dawn, when I have learned the feeling of your head on my breast.
If even that is too much for you to fathom, then perhaps I should try to speak your language: you are the source of my strength.
My longing for you is constant but it is not a burden. I will wait for you, as I always have.
You will find me when you’re ready.
I cannot stop you from believing what you wish, and your persistence would be something to admire if it weren’t all for naught.
Live in your delusions, if they make you feel better.
You really are annoying.